We’ve officially entered my birthday month where I turn 50. Oy. Stuff definitely feels very different from when I turned 40. Following are things that I find myself doing now that I’m teetering on the edge of the “mature” woman club…

Gotta pee. I can be fine, fine, fine, just going about my business and then, Wham-O, gotta pee, like, 30 seconds ago. And any coughing, sneezing, and laughing, should all take place on the toilet. I now make decisions on when and where I go out based on the availability of a nice bathroom being at my disposal. Bladder of steel no more.

Getting up from a sitting position. Why all of a sudden do my knees and ankles sound like crispy rice with their snap, crackle, and pop. What the-?

Naps. Growing up, my mom used to take a lot of naps and I never understood why. Who wants to sleep during the day? As kids we tried to delay bedtime as long as possible. As twenty-somethings, to nap meant you woke up too early after a night of partying. Thirties and forties, you’re too fricken busy to stop. Now that I’m reaching the half century mark and a parent of high school graduates, I totally get it. I’m tired! And if I can find 15 to 20 minutes of just me-time, halle-fricken-luiah. It’s so rare. But when it happens, it’s beautiful. Sniff, sniff.

Closed Captioning. My dad watches TV with closed captioning because he’s hard at hearing. I can hear fine but found the closed captioning helps me catch exactly what the people are saying, especially if they have an accent, any accent. Unfortunately, with closed captioning on, I’ll spend most of my time reading the words and not paying attention to what’s going on. So then I’ll try to watch what’s going on but then miss some of the words. And sometimes the words will bounce around the screen blocking stuff so I’ll find myself actually moving my head to see around the words. Is this weird?

Lighted Mirrors, NOT. A little while ago my friend told me about this great lighted mirror she bought for her vanity table where one side is super magnified so when it’s lit up, she can tweeze like she’s never tweezed before. So, when I saw an inexpensive lighted mirror at Costco, I decided to give it a try. What could it hurt? Let me just say, when you’re hitting 50ish, that super bright light is NOT your friend. You DO NOT need to see every line, wrinkle, hair, and blemish on your face. And for the magnified side? No one needs to see themselves that up close and personal. No one. 

Too much perfume. I now totally understand why older women wear so much perfume. I swear, not a minute after I’ll spray myself, I’ll forget I did it. I can’t smell it on me. Then I’d wonder, did I really do it? Or did I just think I did it? Or am I remembering yesterday? So, I’ll spray just to be sure. For all I know, this may have been the second or third time I’ve sprayed under 2 minutes. I’m sorry.

Menopause. Three words: WTF

✌🏼Peace out y’all!