Auto khan is a term I use to refer to my nemesis du jour on wheels. For the most part, it’s just something that annoys me while driving. I’m not a road-rage kind of person but from time to time, I will loathe a stranger and/or their car from afar for as long as I am driving along with them. Now that I’m back to work, I find myself dealing with that good ol’ daily traffic that I’m so not fond of. Grant it, rush hour traffic at the moment is nowhere near what it was before the pandemic, but it’s enough to remind me of my auto khans. Here are the top three not-so-obvious things I find annoying while on the road…

Dark front windows and windshields: Come on, even KITT from Knight Rider had see-through windows. And David Hasselhoff was totally fine with that. There is no practical reason to have those windows darkened. What are these people doing in the car that they feel the need to not let anyone see them? Are they a vampire or allergic to sunlight? Or are they excessive nose pickers? If so, then it may be acceptable. Otherwise, when I see a car with dark windows, I’m thinking they are one of the Three D’s: Dignitary, Drug Dealer, or Douche. 99.9% of the time, they’re a douche. (If using the word douche offends you, then please replace with Dipshit.)

Vanity license plates: Not a fan. It’s very rare I’ll find one that’s cute or clever like putting NOS4A2 on a hearse or better yet, like ASSMAN from Seinfeld. And if it’s a name, I’ll assume that person is over 65 and this is a way they can remember which car is theirs in a crowded parking lot. But for the most part, why bother going through the effort? I came across a Mini Cooper that had COOPED. Um, why? Or how about a Jaguar that said BRIT CAR. Wowee. And the coup de grace, I once saw a big-ass shiny black Cadillac SUV with dark windows and all the gold trimmings that had TRFY WIF. Grrrrr.

Tooters: Folks, there’s a horn on the steering wheel for a reason. Use it. But don’t just toot like pixie fart. People don’t pay attention to that. You’ve gotta HONK. If there is a car in front of you at a red light and when it turns green, they just continue to sit there, you’ve gotta honk to get their butts moving. Just this morning I was the third car sitting at a red light. The first car just sat there when the light turned green. Obviously, the driver was distracted. The second car, the one in front of me, tooted. It was so not obvious that we continued to sit there for another 5 seconds. 5 seconds! So naturally, I took it upon myself to honk which finally got us moving. I love my horn. And when I honk, I’ll make sure people notice. My honks are a minimum of a 2-Mississippi count. If I get cut off or someone drifts into my lane, they’ll probably get two 2-Mississippi honks, plus a 3-Mississippi honk to emphasize my point. And if a car is sticking out of a Starbuck’s drive-thru line blocking traffic and I can’t get around it, 5-Mississippi honks until they move their ass. And then I’ll top it off by flipping them the bird. No road rage from me. Just honks and the occasional bird.

A person might think I’m a crab-ass when it comes to driving. On the contrary. I love driving. I love the freedom I feel while driving. It’s been close to 10 years since I’ve received a traffic ticket and maybe even over 20 years since I’ve been in an accident (not counting the time I was rear-ended by a teenager on an icy winter morning while dropping off the boys at school). Driving makes me happy. Just don’t drive like a dipshit around me. That’s all I ask.

P.S. Off topic but auto-related… Is it just me or does a Lyft sticker on a car resemble a maxi pad? Just sayin’.