When I was little, I shared a room with my little brother. It wasn’t because I had to since I did have my own bedroom. It was because I was afraid to sleep alone but I didn’t want to admit it. I went through two stages during that time. First, I was afraid of the dark so we had to have a nightlight in the room and also one in the hallway. After a while I became less afraid of the dark and more afraid of fire. I traded the nightlights for complete darkness. I would turn off every light before I went to bed, including the lights in other bedrooms and the nightlights in the hallways. I remember waking up late at night to my dad cursing he stepped on something or stubbed his toe. I remember smiling to myself knowing that even though he might be in pain, he and everyone else were safe from fire.

As I grew older, my fears became more intense. I’m not sure when it started but I’ve become a worm-a-phobic. When I see them, I feel panicked and I get an all-over icky fainty feeling. I used to collect those Safari Cards. (You know the ones from TV you had to beg your parents to order for you.) When I got the earthworm card I freaked out. I literally ran out of the room when I saw it. But since it was part of the collection, I kept it. I put a piece of tape on it so when I’d rearrange my cards, I’d know when to squint my eyes almost closed to turn the card over and then push it around using the eraser on a pencil. (I was okay as long as I didn’t see the picture or touch it.) When it rains, I try not to look down at the sidewalk since I know worms are there. I trip a lot but I don’t mind. It’s a lot better than seeing those awful things on the ground. There was one time I was riding my bike and I swear there was a four-foot worm in the road. I was so freaked that I lost my balance, hit the curb and flew over my bike. That was a really bad moment. Not only did I hurt everywhere, but afterwards when I looked again, there wasn’t a worm in sight. Apparently, I’m afraid of ghost worms too. That was also the very last time I rode a bicycle.

I also have fear of flying. I am that person, the one sitting with the seatbelt on uber tight and quietly chanting “we’re all gonna die”. People will ask me what about flying scares me. My answer is always, I fear hurtling through the sky in a fiery ball of terror and agony. That’s how I see it. Valium, pot, and/or alcohol are what usually gets me through a flight these days. Taking off and landing are the worst parts. Don’t tell me we’re not gonna run out of runway because it’s happened. You can’t say a wing won’t fall off either because that’s happened too. Birds, they’re everywhere and blow up engines all of the time. Now add claustrophobia to that, which I suffer from too. My limit for feeling like I’m breathing the same air as everyone while packed in a tin can that you can barely stand up in is about 20 minutes. And that’s before we’ve even left the runway.

The last of my phobias is public speaking. This one causes my heart to beat super-fast; my mind would go blank; I’ll get a rash head to toe that lasts for hours; and I’ll get black splotches in my vision to the point I’ll feel like I’m gonna pass out. How do I cope? Thankfully, in my world I don’t have to give speeches. But way back when I did, I tried beta blockers to calm my heartbeat but it would only take a little bit of the edge off. I’d still get a rash and the black blotches were maybe a little less. I’ve never tried drinking beforehand. I felt if I passed out, then people would think it was because I was a lush, not a speech-a-phobic. Too bad pot wasn’t legal back then. But then again, my speech probably would’ve started with “Duuuuudes”, and then I’d laugh, and then I’d pass out. Public speaking is not for me. Avoidance is best.

I have other fears but they’re not as intense and I’ve found easy ways to cope. Some would say my issue with spiders and bugs is pretty bad. But I have a husband for those. And when he’s not around, it’s called a vacuum with a long-ass attachment. My fear of heights, I just try to stay on the ground whenever possible and avoid looking over any edges. Crowds? Drugs. Just kidding. Or am I?

That’s about it for now. If I think of any others, I’m sure you’ll hear about it. Until next time, duuuuudes…