Most people write about foods they love. Here, I thought I’d give you a list of foods I’m not so crazy about. Years ago, a friend of mine told me I should make a list of all of my “food issues”. So Colleen, this list is dedicated to you!
I’m not big on beans. I believe they are little capsules of gas. The more beans, the more gas. I don’t like lima beans because they are green, thus green gas. And butter beans, huge capsules of gas and much too large, like big gassy bean steaks. And don’t get me started on kidney beans.
When I do have to use canned beans (to cook them for someone else)… What the eff is that funky stuff they sit in? Rinse, rinse, and rinse a thousand times more please!
I don’t like raw cauliflower because it is squeaky and looks like brains.
I will only eat fish when it doesn’t smell or taste like fish. My favorite is whitefish. It’s like a plain white sheet of paper with seasoning thrown on it. But hey, it’s fish so you can’t say I don’t like to eat fish. Whitefish is like the chicken of the sea. But not that tuna kind of chicken of the sea. That smells like fish, not like chicken, or paper. I think they should call it Smelly Tuna instead.
I’m semi-okay with drinking milk until I realize I am drinking milk. (It’s a “cow juice”-thing.) Same goes for eating eggs. (You know, the chicken butt-thing.)
I don’t like peaches because they are fuzzy, like hairy fuzzy. Food shouldn’t be hairy or fuzzy. Plus, the pit looks like an extracted brain of a very small alien. And don’t bother telling me to eat a nectarine. They look like bald peaches with butt cracks.
And speaking of hairy, what the heck is up with “debearding” a mussel? What. The. Eff???
Back to hairy fruit… Ever notice that kiwi fruit looks like ape nuts? Well, I’ve never actually seen ape nuts but I imagine they look just like kiwi. Now you know another reason why fruit shouldn’t be hairy.
Since I already mentioned peaches and kiwi, I might as well state I’m not fond of fruit in general. Too juicy. 9 times out of 10 the juice will hit my air pipe while I’m chewing and I’ll be thrown into a fit of coughing and clearing my throat for an hour. Really.
I don’t like to eat miscellaneous corn, like when it’s thrown into salsa or casseroles. Corn should stick together like in one big pile. After all, it starts out all nestled together on the cob so it should stay that way. And for eating it cold? Not a fan. Corn is “a warm food that should stay together” kind of vegetable.
Jell-O, it’s a food that jiggles. I try to avoid foods that jiggle. Sure, it’s funny when it jiggles, but not so funny to eat. My mouth gets confused. Do you chew it or swallow it or both? Or do you slurp it? Noodles and soup are slurpable. I don’t think food that jiggles should be slurped. Think of that squeezable grape jelly, but in reverse. That’s not pretty.
Plus, I have a memory of my little brother putting Jell-O in his mouth, swishing it around, and then spitting it in a cup. Look, I made juice! It’s haunting.
If I missed any Colleen let me know. I’ll add it to my list! XOXO!
Just Lolligaggin' 